How to make it work for you and what to avoid

In conversations, there can be a beautiful moment when small talk strikes gold and you discover common ground – anything from a shared obsession with Stranger Things to a favourite travel destination – that provides a springboard to a deeper connection.

But reaching that point can be difficult if you’re daunted by the idea of talking to strangers – and that goes for many of us, says Dr Catriona Davis-McCabe, professor of psychology at the Cairnmillar Institute in Perth. Aiming for perfection as well as a greater level of self-consciousness is holding many of us back, she says.

“The important thing is to remember that conversation is about connection, not perfection. Everyone has some level of self-consciousness and we need to remind ourselves that other people might be worrying about how they present, too,” she says.

There’s also been a lingering effect from COVID, adds Maud Vanhoutte, a Sydney-based professional development coach who has seen a demand for her workplace courses in small talk from younger people who feel they lack experience in making conversation with colleagues at work because they were isolated from them for so long.

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“People are often afraid of rejection too, or feel they can’t think of topics to talk about, or perhaps they’ve had experiences in the past with awkward silences.”

But whatever is keeping you quiet, there are good reasons for brushing up on small talk.

“It’s how we deepen conversations and make friends, and the more we do, the easier it gets. It’s about practice and being armed with topics,” says Davis-McCabe, past president of the Australian Psychological Society.

“Wherever you are, whether it’s the dog park or a conference centre, use the place you’re in as a launching pad for questions – ‘so what kind of dog is that?’ ‘What did you think to that presentation?’ Show genuine curiosity about what the other person has to say. It’ll help you feel less self-conscious, too.