Many people think that getting someone to say “yes” is about persuasion, making the perfect argument, choosing the right words, or asking nicely.
But decades of research suggest something counterintuitive: One of the most reliable ways to get to a “yes,” is to give the other person permission to say “no.”
Studies have shown that across all kinds of situations, from marketing to negotiations to everyday requests, simply adding a line like, “but you are free to accept or refuse,” makes people far more likely to comply.
It taps into one of our deepest psychological needs: autonomy. When people feel pressured, they resist. But when they feel they have a choice, they tend to engage more willingly and push back less.
I’ve spent the past decade advising Fortune 500 companies as an educator and behavioral researcher, and I’ve seen this principle outperform the hard-sell. Here are four simple phrases you can use to put this principle into practice.
1. ‘You’re free to say no.’
When you explicitly tell someone they don’t have to agree, it immediately lowers defensiveness. Their nervous system relaxes, and the decision shifts from compliance under pressure to a choice made voluntarily.
When to use it at work:
- Asking for time from a busy senior leader
- Requesting help from a colleague
- Asking for participation
When to use it at home:
- Asking for emotional availability
- Raising a sensitive topic
- Making plans when the other person is stretched
Examples:
- “Would you be open to reviewing this for me today? You’re free to say no.”
- “You’re totally free to say no — would you be open to talking later tonight?”
2. ‘Please don’t feel obliged.’
This phrase reduces social pressure, which is a hidden driver of resentment and avoidance. Research shows that people push back when they feel expected or pressured to do something. Even cooperative people can resist when a request feels like an obligation.
When to use it at work:
- Asking for favors across teams
- Asking someone to do more than what’s in their job description
- Following up on something that isn’t mandatory
When to use it at home:
- Asking for support
- Making requests that could inconvenience the other person
- Discussing emotional needs
Examples:
- “I’d really appreciate it if you could help with the report I need to prepare by tomorrow, but please don’t feel obliged.”
- “I could use your support this weekend, but please don’t feel obliged.”
3. ‘No pressure.’
This phrase is particularly effective in moments when you are on a clock, or a performance evaluation is a factor.
When people feel they are being rushed into agreement, they make worse decisions, then regret them more afterwards. Removing that pressure improves satisfaction with the outcome.
When to use it at work:
- Setting deadlines that are flexible
- Making decisions that require some reflection
- Having sensitive career conversations
When to use it at home:
- Having relationship discussions
- Making parenting decisions
- Making big financial or life choices
Examples:
- “No pressure at all. Take your time thinking about it, and we can talk whenever you’re ready.”
- “If you’re open to it, I’d love your input this week, but no pressure.”
4. ‘No need to reply.’
This phrase protects both the mental and emotional bandwidth of the recipient. Feeling obligated to respond, even to small messages, creates low-level stress. Removing that expectation reduces avoidance and increases genuine engagement.
When to use it at work:
- Sharing optional resources
- Sending reflections instead of action items
- Providing information without requiring feedback
When to use it at home:
- Checking in on someone going through a hard time
- Sharing thoughts without requiring immediate dialogue
- Giving someone space
For example:
- “I wanted to share this just in case it’s useful. No need to reply!”
- “No need to reply. I was just thinking of you.”
These phrases all offer a sense of autonomy the exact moment it is most likely to feel threatened. In return, the people you engage with will follow through more reliably, feel more respected, and respond with more honesty.
Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning peak performance educator, behavioral researcher, and leadership strategist to Fortune 500 companies. She is the author of “Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence, and Fuel Success.” She earned her doctorate from Monash University. Follow her on LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.
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