We dared to play the new ‘Citizen Vigilante’ video game

We recently reported that Armie Hammer‘s attempted comeback movie, “Citizen Vigilante” by director Uwe Boll, has spawned a video game.

So I decided to boldly go where no journalist has gone before and actually play the “Citizen Vigilante” movie tie-in.

Movie tie-ins were a staple of the 90s and early 2000s film marketing scheme, for films from “Batman Begins” to “The Incredibles.”

But the practice has since gone nearly extinct – until now, as Daniel Wengenroth of German game studio Polygon Art developed the official “Citizen Vigilante” game.

I purchased the title on PlayStation 5 for $21.99, undeterred by the 2.74 out of 5 star rating in the online shop (made up almost entirely of polarizing 1-star and 5-star reviews).

After playing the game myself, I’m firmly in the 1-star camp: this game is so abysmal, so excruciating and so outdated, it left me questioning my sanity.

“You are Sanders – not a hero, not a savior, but a man who decided to act. Take justice into your own hands, hunt down criminals, uncover corruption, and face the consequences of your actions,” the game’s official description reads. “Some will call you a hero. Others will call you a threat.”

Upon booting up the game, a text card briefs the player on the stakes (guess “show, don’t tell” wasn’t a keystone of this project). Police intelligence has finally zeroed in on the location of infamous vigilante Sanders (clearly not voiced by Hammer in the game) – but he’s prepared for their SWAT assault.

Sanders lays a trap for the police. “I understand you’re here to do your job. I have no interest in killing you. But if you stop me from doing my job, I will be forced to kill you all,” Sanders says, before laying waste to 30+ cops.

And because the game’s ‘restart checkpoint’ button is broken, I was forced to replay this sequence (and listen to Sanders’ threat) dozens of times over as my descent into madness continued.

He sneaks out through a sewer, where Sanders must take out swarms of police. The problem is, my gun only fired about 50% of the time. The rest of the time, I’d point a fully loaded gun, press fire, and stand powerless as my health bar was torn to shreds.

By my second hour of attempting to complete the level (the first mission of the game, mind you), I started bargaining with God: “Please, let this level end. I’ll rewatch ‘Call Me By Your Name,’ I promise.”

A tear sprung from my eye when I finally escaped the sewer, only to be met with another text card. But my next mission is an exciting one: buy milk. Nothing says justice like getting your Vitamin D.

Suddenly, a dozen thugs armed with machine guns announce they’re here to rob the store – really putting the “organized” in organized crime. “God damn it,” Sanders says as he whips out a revolver. “Is nothing normal in this city anymore?” Evidently not!

Another text screen tells me I’m now expected to execute a local judge, who “presided over several high profile criminal cases that ended with dangerous offenders walking free due to lack of evidence.”

I give the level the old college try, but bullets coming out of the walls and enemies disappearing mid-encounter makes it another excruciating experience, with graphics that could only be described as “reminiscent of playing on your dad’s Dell computer in 1997.”

After six hours and a measly two missions under my belt, I call it quits. Maybe putting my controller down is the real act of vigilantism after all.