Talk about their behaviour, not character
Instead of saying, “You’re lazy, selfish, mean,” talk about how their behaviour affects you. Say: “When you say you’ll be home by 7 and don’t show up until 8.30, and you don’t call to let me know, I feel hurt, resentful, taken for granted,” instead of, “You’re so self-centred and cruel that you didn’t even have the decency to let me know you’d be late!” The former is more effective because it centres the behaviour on your reaction and not the other’s character traits.
Don’t let resentments build up in an effort to avoid conflict. Make a time together to discuss your concerns.Credit: Getty Images
Be direct about what you want or need
If your partner asks what you would like for a birthday or holiday, don’t turn it into a test of their love. If you want roses instead of tulips, or a tool chest instead of a massage, say so. When they follow through, treat it as evidence of care – not a failure of their paying attention.
Become more assertive and set limits around hurtful behaviour
Healthy relationships require the ability to stand up for yourself without becoming aggressive. If assertiveness doesn’t come naturally, therapy, skills training or targeted reading can help.
Learn to take timeouts when emotions run high
Once conversations become flooded with emotion, productive communication shuts down. Taking a short break – with a clear agreement to return to the issue – can prevent arguments from becoming destructive. Whoever calls the timeout has to reinitiate the conversation within 24 hours. Use the timeout to calm down and figure out what the other person was trying to communicate, not to consider how you’ll prove them wrong when you re-engage.
Practise active listening
Feeling understood often matters more than being agreed with. Take turns talking about your perspective for no more than two minutes each. When you’re speaking, be careful in your language, and when it’s their turn, don’t interrupt or talk over them. When you’re listening, try to focus on understanding your partner, not defending yourself. Take a minute to repeat back what you heard to ensure you understood them correctly before giving your perspective.
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Don’t avoid conflict so completely that resentment builds
Keeping the peace by staying silent may feel safer in the moment, but over time it creates emotional distance and bitterness. Separations and divorces occur more commonly as a result of death by a thousand cuts rather than a huge, one-time blow-up.
Don’t expect one person to meet all of your needs
Strong relationships are supported by friendships, interests and sources of meaning outside the partnership. Over-reliance on a romantic partner for all of your emotional or social needs creates pressure no one can sustain.
Talk to your partner the way you did when you were dating
Many couples stop investing the time, attention and affection that once came naturally. Courtesy, curiosity and warmth shouldn’t disappear with familiarity.
You don’t have to ignore (or put up with) poor behaviour but make a decision to focus on positive actions.Credit: Getty Images
Catch your partner doing something right
People are far more motivated by appreciation than criticism. Rather than comment on when they mess up, compliment them when they get it right. Marital researcher John Gottman discovered that in successful couple relationships, there are five positive interactions for every negative one.
Take more responsibility for the dynamics you help create
Conflict persists through feedback loops. Before insisting that you’re not being heard, consider how well you’re listening. Ask yourself how you may unintentionally bring out the worst in your partner. Responsibility isn’t self-blame – it’s seeing how you react in ways that increase the distance rather than the closeness.
Don’t wait for your partner to change before you show up differently
Many people put their own maturity on hold, waiting for the other to become more communicative, less defensive or more self-aware. But how you show up should reflect your values, not your partner’s limitations. Even if they struggle to communicate well, you don’t have to mirror their avoidance, silence or reactivity.
Don’t wait too long to get help
Many relationships that feel hopeless can improve with the right couples therapist. Waiting until resentment hardens makes repair more difficult.
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Most relationships don’t fail for lack of love; they fail from small, repeated moments of misunderstanding, defensiveness and a failure to appreciate what the other is doing right. Paying attention to how you handle those moments – especially when things are hard – is often the difference between growing apart and finding your way back to each other.
You can’t force your partner to grow, but you can decide how you speak, listen and take responsibility. Those choices shape not only the relationship’s future, but your own happiness and resilience.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, keynote speaker, author and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. His Substack is Family Troubles.
The Washington Post
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