When choosing a romantic partner, money is likely to play a factor in some capacity. From deciding who pays for the first date to figuring out how to split bills when you move in together, money comes up time and again throughout a relationship.
Among single adults, 74% say financial stability is one of the most attractive traits in a partner, and 60% say financial compatibility matters more than chemistry in today’s economy, according to a recent survey of over 2,100 Americans aged 18 and older from The Harris Poll.
Financial compatibility is key in relationships because money doesn’t just shape your lifestyle — how you approach and manage money is often reflective of other personality traits and attitudes, says Valerie Galinskaya, head of the Merrill Center for Family Wealth, a specialized group within wealth management company Merrill Lynch. The group provides education, insights and guidance to ultrahigh net worth families.
“It is oftentimes representative of other things like love, control, power. And if individuals don’t take the time, especially couples, to really think through that, they are not really setting themselves up for success,” Galinskaya says.
Common red flags for daters include expecting the other person to pay for everything or having bad spending habits, The Harris Poll survey found. While these types of concerns may be dealbreakers for some, they could be things you can work through together if you decide you want to pursue the relationship anyway, Galinskaya says.
However, she identifies other factors that could signal you and your partner are financially incompatible. Here are three to watch out for.
1. Lack of willingness to share information
You don’t necessarily have to share your salary or how much debt you have on the first date, Galinskaya says. But as a relationship progresses, “a lack of willingness to disclose information” can be “representative of really unhealthy patterns,” she says.
She emphasizes that there’s a difference between “privacy and secrecy,” but adds that it can be challenging to set and accomplish goals like buying property or retiring together if one partner has been hiding things like unmanaged debt or a lack of savings.
Relationship and money experts agree that transparent conversations around money are key to building successful relationships.
“Once you and your partner know how to talk about money, everything changes,” self-made millionaire and money expert Ramit Sethi wrote in his book, “Money for Couples.”
“Strong couples know that handling money together is about values, trust, and communication,” writes Heather Boneparth, director of business and legal affairs for Bone Fide Wealth and co-author of “Money Together.”
2. Control issues
Especially early on in a relationship, one partner trying to exert control over the other’s financial decisions can be a sign of incompatibility, Galinskaya says.
“We all have different levels of the amount of control that we like to have,” she says. “But in my experience, [over-exerting control] can be a reflection of … deeper trust and control issues, not often restricted to money.”
Additionally, rigid control of a partner’s finances can be a sign of economic abuse, which is a form of domestic abuse, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. If you may be a victim of financial abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or visit its website.
Couples in long-term relationships should work toward making joint decisions when it comes to money, but it may start to be problematic if you want to make your own decision and “your partner all of a sudden feels entitled to have a very strong input,” Galinskaya says.
3. Ambition gap
You and your partner don’t need to make the same or similar incomes to be compatible, Galinskaya says, but you should be more aligned on your views of productivity and ambition.
If one partner is career-driven while the other is routinely in and out of jobs or isn’t motivated to keep building their career, that “can be a reflection that this is not going to be an individual who’s really going to contribute,” she says. “Not just financially, but contribute their insight, their time, their effort in a relationship.”
One strategy Galinskaya suggests is for couples to start by defining what success means for them, whether that’s building a business together or ensuring they have enough saved for retirement. It’s unlikely you’ll meet those goals if you don’t first communicate them to each other and revisit them periodically as your lives and priorities change, she says.
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